14 Unexpected Reasons Couples Become More Irritable with Each Other As They Age
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Love is not an emotion, it is a choice. Loving someone as they age, being with them, and dedicating your life to a relationship with someone is a choice that requires hard work, sacrifice, and mutual reciprocity to work.
Being married or cohabitating with someone requires the skills of maintaining your own identity, accepting another’s and perpetually balancing the line between mutual and respectful compromise and codependency. It’s normal to have conflict in a relationship as long as it is not violent and the lines of communication are always open.
The most stable marriages are buttressed by emotionally mature adults. Still, even the most loving spouses will find ways to bicker and nitpick each other. Here are 14 unexpected reasons couples get more irritable with each other as they age.
1. Finances
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Over 40% of marriages end in divorce because of conflicts over money. Almost four out of every ten married couples get divorced because of some kind of money issue. However, even couples who get along, save money and live below their means find ways to argue about money. One person might want to perpetually save while the other wants to responsibly splurge every once in a while, or the couple might differ on what to spend money on as they age.
2. Holiday Plans
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Couples making holiday plans can feel like an annual psychological chess match or a progressively worsening zero-sum game as they age. We get older each year, not younger, so deciding where to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas can positively impact one side of the family and negatively impact the other side. Emotional boundary lines regarding family and holiday travel can become emotional minefields over time if such issues are left unresolved.
3. Frequency of Intimate Relations
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Contrary to popular belief, couples engage in and enjoy sexual intimacy even more as they age. However, couples do argue about how often one wants to engage in intimate relations relative to the other. Psychologists call this issue the “Desire Disparity.” Rampant miscommunication and non-communication can cause sexless marriages even between loving couples.
4. Household Chores
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Even the best marriages can start to feel like a routine for couples as they age. If one partner spends all of their doing household chores while the other doesn’t help, resentment can occur. This can become an issue even if household chores are predetermined and agreed upon beforehand; cleaning the same things and performing the same chores in the same surroundings for years upon end can cause the development of microaggressions and resentment.
5. Jealousy
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There is scientific research that suggests that jealousy is not an inherently bad emotion. Every human being instinctively feels a twinge of jealousy from time to time. The problem is unchecked jealousy that can become toxic or violent between couples as they age. Jealousy can make you fear losing your partner or it can be a sign of a problem that must be addressed, which isn’t a bad thing. However, toxic and delusional jealousy that goes unchecked can destroy a long-term relationship.
6. Bad Conflict Resolution Skills
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Perpetually avoiding healthy conflict can be the worst thing couples do as they age. A 2012 scientific study found that expressing anger in a healthy manner helps couples become more open about their feelings and be more respectful to each other. Bad conflict resolution skills usually devolve into toxic codependency where one person is always forgiving and the other is always expressing offensive anger because they know they will always be forgiven.
7. Annoying Habits
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As they age, couples will always find the smallest things to nitpick each other about. One person may be annoyed that the other spends too much time on a hobby, fishing, hanging out with friends, restlessly watching TV, and so on, not because it is a real detriment to the relationship but because one party perceives it as such.
8. Working Too Much
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When you plan to spend a lifetime with someone, every moment is like nonrefundable emotional currency spent together. It’s why the working habits of one person can feel like time in the relationship is being robbed from another. Communication and compromise are the keys to solving this problem. As people get older, they get resentful and start to perceive that a job or career is more important than they are, whether rightly or wrongly.
9. Lack of Ambition
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According to a 2022 survey by the Bureau of Labor Statistics, over 28% of people stay employed at the same job for a decade or more. While maintaining job security is usually celebrated, partners or spouses may view it as a lack of ambition as they age. Going to the same job forever or never trying to start a business could feel like stagnation or giving up in life to the complaining spouse, especially after years or decades.
10. Lateness
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Time is sometimes considered to be a currency in personal and professional settings. However, time is also considered to be a fuel that should be burned whenever possible by others. While lateness and a lack of situational awareness of time urgency might be tolerated at the beginning of a relationship, such habits can become irritating and unbearable to a partner or spouse over time.
11. Sharing Private Information Outside of the Relationship
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Oversharing private details might seem like a quirky personality trait in youth to some couples. Still, it can become irritating to couples as they age in a relationship. A relationship can sometimes be described as a bubble in which the private information of a couple should be protected. One person sharing private or embarrassing information about the relationship with friends, even in a jovial manner, can feel like a violation to the other.
12. Fashion
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In the TV series The Big Bang Theory, Sheldon Cooper was depicted as an infantile genius who always wore comic book-themed T-shirts. In the finale of Little Sheldon, a spinoff of TBBT, it is revealed that the show was a middle-aged Sheldon talking in voiceover as he wrote his memoirs. His wife Amy, who tolerated Sheldon wearing the same clothes throughout their young relationship, has finally got Sheldon to wear dress shirts and dress like an adult as they age.
Sometimes the best relationships are predicated on one person tolerating the odd habits of the other. One person having no sense of fashion can become irritating in a relationship as a couple ages.
13. Children
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A 2021 Pew Research Center survey found that over 56% of couples under the age of 50 are dedicated to not having children. Meanwhile, some scientific studies suggest that over 17% of parents regret having children. Rearing children requires sacrifice that some people don’t appreciate beforehand, and sometimes not having children can cause feelings of regret and loneliness in some couples as they age.
14. Domineering Personalities
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Sometimes one person in a relationship can be more ambitious than the other. So, one person might be more persuasive, bossy, and domineering in encouraging the other to do what they must to function. While such character traits might be beneficial in the short term, they could become unbearable in the long term.
Reasons Couples Become More Irritable As They Age
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There is scientific research that suggests there is no such thing as a conflict-free relationship and that it is normal for couples to argue as they age. The key to any relationship is openness, communication, and respectful conflict resolution. Talk to your partner, communicate your issues and needs, and get counseling if needed.
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Allen Francis is a full-time writer, prolific comic book investor and author of The Casual’s Guide: Why You Should Get Into Comic Book Investing. Allen holds a BA degree from Marymount Manhattan College. Before becoming a writer Allen was an academic advisor, librarian, and college adjunct for many years. Allen is an advocate of best personal financial practices including saving and investing in your own small business.
